Expectations

I wonder if this one will be as long as the last one.

Everyone's been told at least once not to expect too much. But I don't think people think too much about how much they actually expect. At least, I didn't until recently. And I realize that the second sentence in this paragraph is so retarded it's almost poetry, but I couldn't come up with anything better. You see why my fiction writing goes nowhere.

Did you expect that bizarre digression into writing styles? Maybe, maybe not. Do you expect your screen to keep working? Do you expect me to keep typing in English? Do you expect a plane to not crash into the building you're sitting in right now?

We have to expect a great deal to be able to function, and the more we expect, or maybe I should say it as assuming-without-devoting-conscious-thought-to, or taking-for-granted, the more efficiently we can function. I don't actually take time in the morning to decide whether I should wear clothes when I go out. Seriously, I don't. I don't take the time to decide whether my raisin bran is going to kill me, I just eat it. I did take the time to check up on the creatine I've been taking, and have now decided not to take anymore. What, you thought I was going to make a moral argument? You should know better by now.

The most dangerous, and also the most necessary expectations we have, regard our fellow humans. I expect people not to assault me, and to send off some kind of cue before they do so. I expect my friends to know when I'm joking. I expect my students to give me some indicators of whether they have a clue what I'm talking about. Most of the time these expectations are met. On occasion, they are not.

Who's fault is that? Mine. To truly expect others to meet my expectations at all times would be arrogant. Even for me.

Priorities

I want to eat sushi every day.
I need money for this.
I want to have money.
I need to work for this.
I want to not work.
Error.

I think a lot of people are confused about what wanting means. It's a simple word, but wanting itself is extremely complicated. I have never met anyone that wanted only one thing, and I hope I never do. That would be insane. Actually, I think they call it monomania. The point is, we want a whole plethora of different things at once. The subtle part comes in how we decide which one to go after.

I don't really get to examine anyone else's thoughts, but here's how it goes for me. The actual desire comes from...well, anywhere. I want a more powerful graphics card in my computer, because I want to play a game. Who knows why I want to play the game. But wait...maybe there's some other reason I want a new card...bragging rights? The satisfaction of putting it in and getting it to work (nah, that never happens)? Vanity? Maybe even a perverse desire to waste money and damage my finances? Why would I want to do that anyway?

You see how that goes? And the graphics card really is a minor thing with me. Don't get me started on relationships. Oops, too late. That is what this whole rant is about isn't it?

As paradoxical as it seems (still need to read that book), this whole neurosis thing seems to help me be more in control of my life. It lets me be a little more rational in my decision making. Naturally, if I just told myself the real reason why I wanted things, I wouldn't need all of this analysis. I mean, why is sushi so goddamned special? Maybe other people's brains are more transparent, but my experience leads me to believe otherwise.

Why is figuring out what you want and why so difficult? Because we know better. We've been taught what's right and wrong, and we know darned well that wanting a video card so that someone else will be jealous, so that they'll spend more time thinking about you is wrong. (Just making this one up here, you didn't think I was going to confess to some heinous desire in public, did you?) So we suppress. We invent, or more often appropriate, some other reason and convince ourselves that it's the whole truth. I want to play this game because it was a gift (that part's real (how's my punctuation going?)).

But you have to get over that. Just because I want to kick clowns and see them fall down doesn't mean I do it. But boy is that mental image fun. And frankly, I'm not sure how much difference it makes in the end. Yesterday I ate sushi. Today I do not buy a video card. You win some, you lose some. And obviously, I'm not really talking about sushi and video cards, because they don't matter in any fundamental, inherent way. People do.

If I buy a video card and it starts pissing me off six months from now, it's easily gotten rid of.

Sushi takes even less time.